Script - Draft 3 Evaluation

I need to describe and expand further on where the roaring argument is to create a better sense of the opening scene and to understand the location and the type of atmosphere and mood it creates. I don't need to call the girl, GIRL #1 as she is the only girl in the film and therefore this is unnecessary and i should just call her 'girl'. When the atmosphere grows uncomfortable, he should turn the music up as this makes it more uncomfortable but also slightly unintentional. When I say that she is looking for a weapon/escape, I need to change this into more detailed and explain where she is looking (side pockets, floor, window, towards the boot etc.) I need to elongate the last bit before the cigarette to make the car journey seem longer, believable and worthy of the trouble of the girl. This adds more tension to the story as well as making the two locations seem far apart. The hot chocolate is really good and so she compliments him - she says "what is this?" he acknowledges her with a brief look and turns his eyes back to the road, she responds "what, is it a secret?" he says "it's home-made". She should be afraid but intrigued when she finds the Polaroids, they will be very well taken (great angles). I should make the girl an artist too, she can have a sketchbook and therefore appreciate his work. When she first gets in the car, she can look at her sketchbook because she has got dirt on it and she wipes it off and exposes a quick drawing of a room. Make her get out of the car to wee and when she does, she can leave her sketchbook on the chair and the guy looks at the sketchbook but doesn't touch it or open it. There needs to be more description of things passing the car (fields etc. it needs to seem cut off from civilization therefore this drive was purposeful)

Make sure that all interior dialogue is changed, as I need to stick to the two rules of WYSIWYG and WYHIWYG. Therefore change the following;

'with thoughts that...'

'she gathers a sense...'

'hoping he didn't notice...'

'numb nervousness...'

'messing up his ritual...'

'the guy is unsure of his emotions...'

'wants to finalize his ritual...'

'she believes in his intentions...'

'she analyses him...'

'looking for a weapon/escape...'

Notes

When directing, go into detail on his arrangements of clothes, cereal and his alarm clock, he doesn't talk to people at the beginning of the day and go through his very specific ideas. Looking at secluded places on a map in the morning. Give him an organisational book with ideas in it. This will not be used but will help create the character. The better the book is, the better performance Guy #1 will make